Saturday, April 16, 2016

Recovering From An Affair

One of the questions I am most frequently asked by couples in marriage counseling is "how do I recover from my spouse's affair?" After counseling thousands of couples with a wide variety of marital conflicts, I have come to believe that a spouse's unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that is encountered in a marriage. Couples who I have counseled who have had the misfortune of experiencing infidelity concur that a spouse's unfaithfulness is the most devastating experience thus far in their relationship.  

We have heard the tragic statistics; more than 50% of all spouses report being the victims of an infidelity. This means that one person in most marriages will suffer the most painful marital problem at some time during the marriage. 

Affairs usually begin with an attraction to someone known fairly well, such as a friend or co-worker. Affairs typically end with a partner revealing the affair to their spouse or with the spouse seeing a communication between the two involved parties. Either way, the event represents a dramatic turning point in the marriage and a decent into distrust.

Infidelity has tragic consequences. Not only does unfaithfulness itself cause untold emotional suffering for a victimized spouse, but affairs create a host of other problems, too. One example of these problems is venereal disease -- when an unfaithful spouse is infected, which is often the case, the disease is usually passed on to the unsuspecting marriage partner. Another example is pregnancy with a lover's child. 

You might think that after an affair spouses would instantly rebuild their love for each other and all would be forgiven. In truth, all might be forgiven, but it’s rarely forgotten. Usually, the person who has cheated wants to forget about what happened, but the person who has been cheated upon cannot forget about it. In fact, the memory of the affair can haunt people for decades after it happened. 

After the lover is finally gone and you are ready to restore love to your marriage, where should you begin? Infidelity is a devastating experience. And yet, most couples who go though it recover. How do they overcome the horrible memories of an affair after reconciliation? The answer is usually both marriage counseling for the couple and individual counseling for each spouse.

If marriage counseling is successful, communication between the couple will change from constantly rehashing the details of the infidelity to having discussions of more everyday types of marital problems such as parenting, finances, intimacy, and how they spend their time. It is important to remember that you can heal and that it takes time.

For more information about recovering from an affair, visit my websites: and

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