Relationship Tips

Couples Counseling and Codependency

2011-08-01T07:51:00.001-07:00

Sometimes codependents have relationships with partners who are not addicts or alcoholics. How does this happen? Generally speaking, the codependent has grown up in a home with some form of dysfunction or addiction. They grow up and meet someone who is not an addict or alcoholic and they get married to enter a committed relationship. Herein lies the problem because codependency is a disease of relationships.

We are born into relationship and we live in relationships. We are created for relationship living and not for isolated living. We live as husbands, wives, children, grand children, grand parents, nieces, nephews and friends in relationships.
In relationships we learn to live, survive, grow, learn, love, hate, succeed or fail. If the supportive relationships have good boundaries, then people are able to work and live as healthy individuals. For optimal functioning, the family system must be able to organize itself into subsystems with appropriate boundaries for carrying out the daily tasks for survival and growth.

Codependency happens when the supportive role becomes addictive. Then people do the wrong thing believing that they do the right thing. Instead of acting when faced with problems, the codependent reacts, leading to anger, depression and self-destructive behaviors. You live as a co-dependent when you are over-concerned of taking care of someone at the expense of your own physical, emotional and spiritual well being. You subject yourself to denial, anger and lack of trust. You are a codependent if you are chemically dependent, or live in relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict.

When the caretaker becomes a victim, and live in relationships that promote self-hate and low self-worth, and live with heavy load of guilt, it becomes co-dependent living. If one spouse is an alcoholic, the other becomes an enabler, rescuer and care taker. The problem of one spouse becomes the problem of the other. The spouse of an alcoholic believes that the alcoholic is not capable of taking care of himself or herself, and therefore the person has to be rescued and cared for.
The non-alcoholic spouse anticipates the needs of the alcoholic, and takes care of the responsibilities for the other. In so doing, their own needs are not cared for, and they feel deprived and angry. Not only the alcoholic is a victim, the rescuer also becomes a victim of his or her own behavior, resulting in self-pity and feeling of hopelessness. Alcoholism or any other compulsive disorders demand your life to be around them with the result, both parties become victims.

Anger and emotional cut off happen when the person is not allowed and encouraged to take responsibility. If you are in a codependent relationship with people of compulsive disorder, such as drug addict, alcoholic, sex offender, gambler and so on, you never know what to expect each day. You may continue to hide your feelings because you do not want to confront the conflicts that may arise.

There is a sharp difference between beneficial care taking and destructive care taking. Our job in a healthy relationship is to help the person to get well, and not stay dysfunctional if the disability is manageable through necessary interventions. In any case, we do care out of love, which gives us the desire and the willingness to go an extra mile when necessary. But if it makes you angry, frustrated and feel used, it is a good idea to look for other alternatives.
Whatever level you are in a relationship, if you feel happy about it in your guts, which is all right. The source of happiness is in you, not in others. The fact is that relationships do not have the clarity we are looking for. Clear boundary is difficult to find in real life. The border between love and hate, care and neglect are very unclear. Therefore choose appropriate workable boundaries creating an atmosphere of healthy relationships.

The Pitfalls of Dating After Divorce

2011-08-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

If you thought dating was difficult before you got married, it doesn’t get any easier after divorce. Everyone has baggage, but divorced people often tend to carry more of it, especially when they’re just returning to the dating scene.

Additionally, divorced people are out of practice when it comes to dating, so it can be challenging even for the most social of creatures.

Often, people coming out of divorce are either too hesitant or too quick to start dating again. If your ex-spouse was the one who decided to leave the marriage, you may find yourself dealing with an extra dose of insecurity. On the other hand, if you left your spouse emotionally some time ago or find yourself uncomfortable being single again, you may be tempted to begin dating too soon — even before your divorce is final.

As a rule of thumb, it’s best to wait at least six months before dating again. That allows you time to deal with the complex emotional and legal issues of divorce and to grieve the loss of one relationship before starting another. It also gives you time to reassess where you are in your life, what went wrong in your marriage relationship and what you want out of future relationships.

If you begin dating and find that you are depending on that other person to make you feel better about yourself and less lonely and are waiting by the phone every night for him or her to call, those are indicators you may need more time to become emotionally stronger before becoming involved with someone again.

When you do start dating again, heeding this advice could help avoid common pitfalls:

Take it slowly and pace yourself. It can be easy to slip into an exclusive relationship right away, but it’s best to make sure you have many social connections outside the person you’re dating.

Accept that you may be hurt again. n Resist becoming sexual too soon. When you do become intimate, be smart about it and practice safe sex. If you were married for a long time, you’ll find safe sex a much bigger issue now than before marriage.

Be careful not to transfer issues from the marriage to your new dating companion. If your spouse was unfaithful, don’t bring that distrust to the current relationship (without good reason).

If you have children, take everything even more slowly. Wait longer to begin dating and when you do, don’t introduce casual dates to your children.

Many people find it helpful to participate in divorce support groups, since people there are going through (or have gone through) many of the same issues you’re experiencing.

Also, check out some books on the grief process as it relates to divorce. “Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends” by Bruce Fisher has proven helpful to many people as they rebuild their lives after divorce.

Finally, remember that in many ways dating after divorce can be part of the healing process. Having a successful date (or two or three or four) can help you affirm your positive qualities, demonstrate you can have fun again and assure you that other people still find you attractive in a number of ways. In the end, that’s a wonderful way to overcome the loss of a failed marriage.

Middle-Aged Single People Are At Higher Dementia Risk

2011-08-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

If you are single and in your 40s, it might be a healthy idea to get hitched. A Scandinavian study found unmarried middle-aged people are more likely to develop cognitive impairment than their partnered counterparts.

But before you head to the chapel, consider a couple of caveats. The researchers posited that the association may be the other way around; that those destined to have trouble thinking show symptoms decades before and therefore have trouble with relationships.

There's even more evidence to consider. Another study, this one from Israel, suggests that ruminating about life could actually protect your brain. If you're alone, then, perhaps you should worry about it. In the study of partnered and non-partnered people, said to be the first of its kind, Swedish researchers examined 1,449 Finnish people who were questioned in midlife and then again in 1998, an average of 21 years later.

The results of both studies were expected to be released Wednesday at the Alzheimer's Association 2008 International Conference on Alzheimer's Disease in Chicago.
Almost 10 percent of those in the study were diagnosed with some form of cognitive impairment in 1998; 48 had Alzheimer's disease. Those who lived with a partner in midlife were less likely to be cognitively impaired than all the others (including those who were widowed, single, divorced or separated).

After the researchers adjusted their figures to take into account the effects of factors such as weight, physical activity and education, those with partners still had a 50 percent lower risk of showing signs of senility in later life compared to those who lived alone. Those who stayed single their whole lives had a doubled risk of dementia, while those who were divorced from midlife onward tripled their risk.

It's not clear why being single is riskier for the brain. Cognitive and intellectual stimulation has been reported to be protective against dementia in general. Living in a couple means that you are confronted with other ideas, perspectives and needs. You have to compromise, make decisions and solve problems together with someone else, which is more complicated and challenging. It is probably easier to get stuck in your own habits and routines if you live by yourself. But this theory only partially explains the results since those who were widowed and didn't remarry had a much higher risk of dementia.

In the other study, Israeli researchers looked at about 9,000 participants in a multiple-year study of heart disease among male civil servants in Israel. Those who reported that they were most likely to not "ruminate" about family difficulties in midlife were more likely to suffer from dementia in old age. More than one in five of those who ruminated the least had signs of senility, compared to 14 percent of those who "usually ruminate."

Those who ruminated the most about work difficulties were also the least likely to suffer from dementia. Why the difference? One possible explanation could be that some forms of rumination may be associated with effective problem-solving and are a form of cognitive activity. Cognitive activity has been demonstrated to be associated with decreased risk for dementia.

Improving Communication

2011-08-01T07:44:00.001-07:00

Are you unhappy with your relationship? When things are going well, we tend not to ask ourselves this question. Yet, in order to create the connection and intimacy we would like to have, we sometimes need help. Couples counseling can help people develop the satisfying relationships they desire.

Couples counseling can actually help to improve all your relationships because it helps you to communicate more clearly and get your need met. Often, our others relationships are affected my our most intimate one. Keeping a romantic partnership going is always work.

Keeping an intimate relationship going is a difficult task. Once the initial excitement and intensity starts to wear off, many people find themselves unhappy with what is going on with their partner. Often there is more conflict and less good communication. Couples don’t enjoy their time together as much and don’t even enjoy each other at times. The connection that made their partner so attractive in the first place can fade and often people find themselves feeling lonely - even while with their partner. Some couples get to the point where it feels like there isn’t much benefit on an emotional level to being part of the relationship and that it isn’t worth the strife it brings to their lives.

It is possible to keep the qualities you want going in a relationship so that it sustains you and brings happiness. It is much more comfortable going through life feeling connected to your partner and that this connection brings you harmony and balance. We all dream of feeling supported, loved, and like we don’t have to face the world alone. It is possible to create such a connection and keep it going for the long haul.

If such relationships are possible, why don’t more people create them? Why do almost half of marriages end up in divorce and another portion just plug along without bringing their members much happiness? Though our intimate connections are one of, if not the most important things in our lives, most of us learn very little about how to create, nurture, and sustain them. The movies and television generally give us the message that if you love each other and the chemistry is right, things just work themselves out. Oh that it were so easy.

Like most valuable things in this world, relationships need care and maintenance. When you learn the skills for maintaining a healthy and vital connection, you can be happy with your relationship indefinitely. Learning to communicate well, turn conflict into growth, and understand your own emotional reactions and needs make such a connection possible. These are all things that can be learned and put to good work for you and your partner.

Couples counseling can help you learn skills to solidify relationships, such as communicating openly, problem solving together and discussing differences rationally. As you go through marriage counseling, you may learn to be more accepting and tolerant of differences.

Talking about your problems with a therapist may not be easy. Sessions may pass in silence as you and your partner seethe over perceived wrongs. Or you may bring your fights with you, yelling and arguing during sessions. Both are okay. Your therapist can act as mediator or referee and help you cope with the emotions and turmoil and you can benefit by learning more about your reactions and behavior in the relationship.

Couples in Recovery From Addiction

2011-07-30T21:49:00.000-07:00

In their book, The Alcoholic Family in Recovery: A Developmental Model, Stephanie Brown and Virginia Lewis state there are four stages that individuals, couples, and families affected by alcoholism pass through; 1) drinking, 2) transition, 3) early recovery, and 4) ongoing recovery. This model can be used successfully to treat couples affected by all types of addiction, including gambling, drugs, video-gaming, and sex addiction.

According to this model, couples counseling helps by addressing problems that have occurred in the relationship because of the addiction. When the addict is using, the relationship becomes restrictive and rigid, and that adaptation creates pathology within the couple. This pathology often makes achieving abstinence more difficult for the addict just as it makes recovery for the codependent more challenging. The defense strategies that the couple developed in an effort to cope and preserved stability eventually causes more trauma, developmental arrest, and psychopathology.

For the couple to recover, the unhealthy relationship system must collapse, and the defensive structures that maintain the pathology must change. In couples counseling, the three major goals for treating the couple affected by addiction are:

Creating interventions aimed at supporting the addict in changing.

Interventions aimed at improving the quality of the couple.

Ongoing relapse prevention for the addict.

These interventions are considered phases of recovery for the couple. The first phase is treatment for the addict, the second is an adjustment for the couple and/or family, and the third phase is a lifestyle-building phase that promotes recovery for both.
For therapy to be effective with the couple affected by addiction, it must be directive, psychoeducational, and provide concrete steps that can be taken by both partners to change the patterns of addiction that impact them.

It’s important that each partner’s recovery programs are relatively in sync. The scenario with the highest probability of success is a couple who presents as a unit deciding that the couple wants to go in the direction of recovery. If either partner is in denial, the couple will present as unfocused in couples therapy because there is no shared problem. The first step towards reaching this sync is getting both partners into recovery. Once both partners are in recovery, they can begin the transition phase by working on a joint treatment plan in couples counseling.

In couples counseling for couples affected by addiction, I begin by asking each person what their common goals are in couples therapy and in their marriage, and how they think they could get their individual recovery programs into sync and still maintain healthy boundaries.

Communicating with Respect

2011-07-30T21:47:00.000-07:00

Good communication involves respect for the other person as well as active energy on your part. These skills are essential ingredients to making a relationship work.

Communication is the mortar that holds a relationship together. If it breaks down, the relationship will crumble. When spouses no longer communicate, a marriage nurtures no one. It is no longer a marriage.

Respecting Your Partner
We often immediately reject another’s perceptions, especially when our views differ. This rejection may even be unconscious. We find ourselves ready to dispute the things our spouse has to say, to challenge them, or to hear them as threats. Obviously, such an attitude interferes with two-way communication. The first step to improved dialogues is to respect your partner.

Respect allows you to accept another person’s point of view whole-heartedly. Consider and value your spouse’s perspectives or suggestions. Let your partner know that your respect and value for him or her supersedes the specific issue you are discussing.

Put time and effort into communication. Draw yourself and the other person completely into the communication process. If one partner dominates - ie., does all the talking, offers all the ideas, and has most or all of the control or influence - this effort can only be one-sided. Both of you must be involved in the process.

To work towards this full involvement you should:

Take full responsibility for the dialogue;

Put your energy into the exchange;

Make a commitment to seeing the process through;

Express your thoughts and feelings fully and encourage your partner to do the same; and

Resolve misunderstandings by asking questions and seeking clarifications rather than by getting angry.

By putting this energy into communication, you will make a statement to your partner about your commitment and responsibility. It will demonstrate that the relationship is important to you and that you are willing to involve yourself fully in this act of communication. Intimate communication may not be worth the effort without love. Love is critical to the relationship. Yet alone it is not enough.

If there is love, however, and if the relationship is important to you then you must focus on communication. Only through good, true communication can you realize the joy of love. Good communication makes love possible, certainly makes it better, and ultimately may be love itself.

References

Ellis, A. & Powers, M. G. (2000). The secret of overcoming verbal abuse: Getting off the emotional roller coaster and regaining control of your life. New York: Wilshire.
Evans, P. (1996). Verbally abusive relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond. New York: Adams Media Corporation.

Miller, M. S. (1996). No visible wounds: Identifying nonphysical abuse of women by their men. New York: Random House Publishing Group.

Trouble With Commitment

2011-07-30T21:44:00.001-07:00

There are two different definitions of "commitment". One definition is being sent to an institution. The other deals with making and keeping pledges or promises to another person.

Some couples have troubles with commitment because they confuse the two definitions. They are afraid that commitment in a relationship means getting into an institution with too much structure, control and barriers to their freedom to be themselves.

They are wrong. A commitment is a freeing and growing experience. When two people make a commitment to each other to grow, learn about life and love together, they are creating a positive place to be. A commitment is an act of trust, both of yourself and of your partner.

Some couples choose to commit themselves to each other for life, through a marriage ceremony, either religious or civil.

Some couples haven't reached that stage of formal public commitment decision. They may not know if or when they will reach it.

If a relationship is to have a chance, people must make their own commitments between themselves about their goals and expectations, as individuals, and as partners or lovers. Commitment to a relationship is a pledge to bring all of oneself and all of one's truth into a mutually defined and sexually monogamous experience with another person.

Commitment requires you to explore, develop and nurture a co-created boundary around a relationship. You have to work together at it. You each need personal autonomy within that relationship, but you also need to recognize, honor and respect those agreed-upon and shared boundaries as well.

Boundaries aren't static. They may need to change over time. This requires both of you to acknowledge and continually review what you expect of each other as the relationship grows. For example a woman who initially wanted and agreed to be a stay-at-home mom, may a few years later, find that her needs have changed. That means revisiting the earlier agreed-upon commitment.

You can't demand boundaries in advance, or impose them on your partner, since you don't have the right to be charge of the other person. You have to negotiate them. People who try to impose on their partner tend to have short-lived relationships. People want to be loved and cared for, not controlled or ordered.

Besides agreeing to work on issues that you are important to both of you, it is important to recognize your differences, and make a commitment to respect these differences.

You are both human. It is possible one or both of you may step outside those boundaries of what is seen as acceptable at some time. This doesn't mean the relationship is automatically over, unless one of you makes that decision on your own.

You need to learn about and practice forgiveness, when your partner makes mistakes, is unfair or even hurtful. We all make mistakes. If we expect our partner to tolerate and accept our mistakes, we must also forgive our partner's mistakes.

This means both of you have to work actively at forgiving the behavior of the other, and forgiving yourself as well, for your own mistakes. That is a tough part of a commitment, for when you feel hurt, it is not that easy to forgive. But if you can succeed at this, the relationship can probably continue. If you can't, despite your genuine efforts at it, than it is best to let go with love.

This can even apply if a serious mistake, like sexual infidelity occurs. But in that case a person must accept that they made a mistake in their actions, realize the hurt that it caused their partner, develop ways to avoid it in the future, and allow time for healing.

If hurts continue and turn into abuse and violence, the relationship becomes unsafe. At that point, taking care of one's personal safety and well-being must come ahead of any commitments made to your partner.

Is It Love or Stalking?

2011-07-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

If you want to learn about stalking, prepare to be surprised. Here are some research findings. Women stalk men nearly as much as men stalk women. Men and women also stalk each other in similar ways. Nearly 3 out of 11 people who break up will begin to feel or think they are being stalked. On any given day, about one out of a thousand people may feel like they are being stalked. A true stalker can't stand to be ignored. If they can't have your love they will settle for your anger and hatred. The worst thing you can do is respond and interact with someone who may be stalking you. Why do they feel this way and what can you do about?

Despite a growing body of research in the past five years, stalking is still very misunderstood by the public, the courts and law enforcement. For practical purposes there are three types of stalking. Relationship stalking occurs when a couple breaks up. But that is not stalking in a legal sense. It just looks like and feels like stalking. Obsessional stalking develops because of the way the couple interacted and the way they broke up. Obsessional stalking is a psychological problem that has many causes but in general it is the result of an "on again" and "off again" relationship as was well as a "desire and fear of a relationship" in one person and " fear of separation and loss" in the other. The childhood of at least one these people is usually emotionally barren or emotionally abusive. Delusional stalking occurs when a mental disorder causes the person to become obsessed or fixated on some unsuspecting person because of what amounts to a medical condition.

Nearly 90% of all college students who break up will engage in what is called "unwanted pursuit behavior". Pursuit behavior includes writing notes, giving gifts, making phone calls, contacting friends, following the person or intruding in their life. This can border and easily cross the line and become an obsession. What researcher’s find interesting is that pursuit behavior is normal. If Jane dissolves a relationship with Dick, then it is very common for Dick to pursue Jane as a means to restore the relationship. Researchers call this a "relationship repair mechanism." Some people and even the courts mistakenly call this stalking.

For some men and women it is an especially difficult task to transform a deep sexual and emotional bond into a mere friendship. People with traumatic childhoods involving death and loss of a loved one have an especially difficult time. The person being "dumped" will usually have the hardest time because they are either surprised, hurt or they are made to feel like their life and reputation is ruined. Human beings have not found healthy ways to just stop feeling. They act to feel better in the moment and tend to disregard or minimize the consequences and impact of their behavior on others.

There are differences between the way men and women stalk each other. More men than women engage in bolder forms of pursuit such as showing up at a doorstep late at night "just wanting to talk". Men are less afraid to sneak around someone’s house to see if their girlfriend is with someone else. Women generally do their stalking by day or in public.

Obsessive pursuit becomes stalking when it becomes scary and it is not mutual pursuit. Continuous following, showing up on a person’s door step, entering their house or taking objects are referred to as intrusions. Obsessive intrusions can alarm and scare people. Repeated and severe intrusions suggest the person may be obsessed or delusional. Taking objects, mementos and property reflect serious problems. It is especially bad if a guy is taking the woman’s underwear. Women don’t do that but they are more likely to take a man’s dog, claim they found the dog and then ask the guy to come get it.

Understanding the dynamics of stalking is the first best thing you can do to prevent it from happening. Keep in mind that a stalking order is essentially a restraining order and it does virtually nothing to prevent violence if the stalkers intends to do harm. Not all stalkers intend to do harm. Whether you have a stalking order or not, you need to take steps to reduce the risk of being stalked. Here are some helpful suggestions if you think you could be or may be stalked.

End the relationship together with the help of counselor.

Talk to a counselor to help you make sure that you don’t send mixed messages.

Agree to give each other a period of time with no contact.

Don’t talk to mutual friends or the other person’s friends about your relationship.

Avoid places where the other person will be for at least 30 days.

Go ahead and date if you want but don’t date the other person's friends or co-workers.

Get caller ID on your home phone and answer only safe numbers.

Get a cell phone, block your number and give the number to trusted people.

Document every contact and attempted contact with a time, date, witnesses and what happened.

Do not get into a pattern of being angry and then nice to the other person.

Say "no" only once, don't let them down "easy", reveal nothing about yourself, and say nothing else to explain or justify yourself.

There must be no contact of any kind under any circumstances if you think you are being stalked.

Mutual friends and acquaintances should not discuss the other person at all with a potential stalker.

Contact a qualified mental health professional if you believe you are at risk or if you are being stalked.

If you have a stalking order against someone, then you should never place yourself in proximity to that person or engage in anything that could be considered proximity seeking behavior.

Do not give the person any reason to think about you, talk about you to anyone or by going places where they routinely go as part of their life.

Researchers have found that about 1 out of 24 people who are convinced they are being stalked actually aren’t; about 1 out of 49 people who are being stalked actually don’t believe they are. Now here is where it all gets interesting. Some people who claim to be stalked suffer from what has been called "false stalking syndrome." This syndrome (a pattern of behavior) confuses the public, the courts, law enforcement and even the friends of the so-called victim.

References

Amar, A. F., & Alexy, E. M. (2010). Coping with stalking. Issues Ment Health Nurs, 31(1), 8-14.
West, S. G., & Friedman, S. H. (2008). These Boots are Made for Stalking: Characteristics of Female Stalkers. Psychiatry (Edgmont), 5(8), 37-42.

Dressing, H., Scheuble, B., & Gass, P. (2009). Prevalence and impact of stalking in psychiatric patients. Psychiatr Prax. 2009 Oct;36(7), 334-337.

Bird, S. (2009). Strategies for managing and minimizing the impact of harassment and stalking by patients. ANZ J Surg, 79(7-8), 537-538.

Communicating Without Anger

2011-07-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

Remember the line from the movie Love Story: "Love means you never have to say you’re sorry." Millions of other couples believe this line and - as a result - stay in anger. They can’t get to these effective steps because they become mired in their own resentment.

Effective communication requires a willingness to listen to the other person’s point of view without getting defensive. Another major component of effective communication is the intent and phrasing of the words. The speaker needs to make points clearly and succinctly without condemnations or accusations.

Some couples, for example, know exactly what topics or words will inflame the other. By choosing to use this kind of ammunition, their intention is to wound or win, not to work towards a resolution. Too many times winning the point may mean losing the match.

Setting aside emotional responses for long enough to listen is essential. When spouses can accept that they are neither perfect nor expected to be, constructive criticism may no longer seem a personal affront - and relaxed listening can then replace defensiveness.

Unfortunately, some people rarely get to this point because they are side tracked by anger overriding logic and levelheadedness. If they could each learn not to reply with inflammatory remarks, tension would be greatly reduced.

Emotions are inescapably human and provide life both its zest and anguish. And emotions, even the so called negative ones, such as anger and resentment, are not inherently bad. It is the manner in which people express emotions that can be either creative or destructive, appropriate or inappropriate.

Effective communication is a learned skill. It is the pivot upon which all else in a marriage turns. Before talking leads to triggering, consider doing the following:

Listen without countering. Try to hear the other person’s point of view. Suspend your inner dialogue.

Stick to the subject. Make your point without digressing into attacks or accusations.

Look inward. What is the motive behind the words you choose to say? To defend, provoke or communicate?

Ask for behavioral change. Bring the conversation back to the everyday world. What will be different after this discussion?

Remember your partner’s trigger points. Then resist the temptation to use them.

Remember your own trigger points. Then resist the temptation to react to them.

If you do all of the above steps in your relationship, you'll go a lone way towards reducing the amount of anger in your communications. And you'll probably be a lot happier as well.

Agree to Disagree: The Winning Defense

2011-07-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

As the essence of relationships, communication has a great impact on every aspect of our lives. Yet the channels of communication can sometimes become blocked, even among people who care deeply for each other. It’s often difficult to put our feelings into words or concentrate fully when our partner speaks. Unhelpful silences or verbal attacks can arise and drive us further apart.

Even in the strongest of relationships, there will be times when small irritations can cause mountains to grow out of molehills, so it’s important to keep striving for better communication.

Common barriers to communication include: threatening or unpleasant behavior such as criticism and bossiness; only hearing what we want to hear; getting bored or distracted; and not expressing our point clearly. Fortunately, working on our communication skills helps us to break through this sort of impasse. So follow these tried and tested tips to stop you reaching for the expletives and reach an understanding instead.

No matter what else is going on, try to make time for your partner on a day-to-day basis. Good communication is about deepening your understanding of each other, not simply avoiding arguments. Easier said than done, of course, but making time to talk is worth the effort. All being well, these occasions will be enjoyable and bring great rewards, so make a dinner date, share a bath or go for a walk together and let the conversation flow.

Secondly, remember the importance of intimate, non-sexual contact. Hugs and kisses are the glue which holds a relationship together, and consider activities such as sport to reconnect non-verbally. Psychologists believe the vast majority of communication takes place without words through body language.

Do you believe you know everything there is to know about your partner? It may be worth checking this out by asking them questions to reveal more about themselves. To deepen the communication and understanding between you, try talking about the times when you feel happiest or your hopes and dreams for the future. Don’t assume that your partner feels the same way you do.

This could bring up relationship ‘hot spots’ - work, money, childcare - which can then be dealt with openly. Experts suggest setting up reciprocal arrangements in which you both agree to take on an equal number of tasks and chores.

If you find yourself slipping into an argument, there are many ways to keep the row healthy. Most importantly, own your emotions by using “I” statements. For example, rather than “You make me angry,” or “This is all your fault,” try saying, “I feel concerned/upset…”. This keeps things calmer and makes it easier to compromise, as your partner will not become so defensive. Then keep to the point rather than slipping into attack and counter-attack, or emotional withdrawal.

But talking this way is only possible if you are aware of your own feelings. For this, you must recognize them, be accepting of them, and able to express them. We each have our own way of dealing with conflicts - your style may be to avoid the issue, give in, or blame the other person. Being aware of your style and that of your partner will help you resolve the situation.

In the heat of the moment, try to stay calm and accentuate the positive. See the other’s point of view while showing respect, and then look for a compromise that you can both accept. Listen carefully, give empathy and positive responses, and overlook the insults. Respond to criticism as useful information, if at all possible! Remember, the objective is not to stop every argument but to stop the escalating bitterness.

If either partner gets beyond the point of being civil and rational, ask for a time-out to calm down. But be sure to agree on continuing the discussion when you have had time to think about it.

Bear in mind that one of the secrets of happy couples is learning to tolerate or accept the other person’s faults. So-called "perfect relationships" do not exist, therefore small faults need to be accepted. Couples counseling encourages reaching an acceptance of one another through compassion and empathy, so you both come to truly understand the other person and become able to share your own feelings in depth. Then you can see the underlying reasons for their criticism or silence, perhaps they are really feeling unloved, rejected or hurt.

Having awareness of these techniques and skills is only half the battle - you need to develop them through practice until they become second nature. It will be an effort to change long-standing habits, but improving communication in your relationship is worth doing, as poor communication is one of the top causes of unhappy relationships.

References

Hassen, S. (1980). Combating mind control. Rochester, VT: Oak Street Press.
Jampolsky, G. (1985). Goodbye to guilt. New York: Bantam Press.

Namka, L. (2001). The doormat syndrome. New York: Authors Press.

Wilson Schaef, A. (1989). Escape from intimacy: Untangling the "love" addictions. San Francisco: Harper & Row.

Couples Counseling With GLBT Relationships

2011-07-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

Our society is just beginning to acknowledge gay, lesbian and bisexual individuals, but we are a long way from acceptance. Now, more than ever, LGBTQI relationships are being scrutinized for their merit, and civil liberties are being debated.

As if life isn't stressful enough, gay, lesbian and bisexual individuals must contend with the hate-filled rhetoric of those who would condemn them for who they are. It's easy to understand why so many people in the LGBTQI community struggle with issues of chemical dependency, self-worth, and what it means to be in a committed relationship.

Gay couples have many of the same issues that heterosexual couples have, but unfortunately, there are also some major differences in same-sex relationships that can put additional stress on these relationships.

Partners in same-sex relationships must deal with the stress of homophobia, society’s widespread fear and condemnation of their sexual orientation. Partners are often left feeling isolated and unable to talk with support networks about their situations

Same-sex relationships involve similar gender socialization histories - this can serve as a commonality and connection but it can also create difficulties

Internalized homophobia occurs when individuals internalize the negative messages from culture and believe that heterosexuality is preferable. It greatly impacts their self-esteem and ability to be happy due to their own fears and guilt about being gay

Having to be discreet or silent about their relationships in certain situations leads couples to associate hidden with bad

Non-romantic relationships with others can be affected because of others’ reluctance or fear about being in a relationship with a gay person

Gay couples are affected on a daily basis with issues that heterosexuals do not have to face such as coming out, job discrimination, hate remarks, and societal condemnation.

Before beginning any treatment with a LGBTQI client, a therapist has the responsibility of making sure he or she is well versed on issues related to sexuality, has the skills necessary to create a positive and nonjudgmental environment, and will not feel uncomfortable discussing issues related to homosexuality.
Couples therapy should be treated no different than marital therapy, aside from the obvious legal and social issues. Any bias a therapist has will be very difficult to hide when dealing with relationship issues with a gay or lesbian client. Their relationships should be treated with the same legitimacy as any committed relationship, and the therapist should be aware that like any sexual relationship, their may be intimacy concerns, fidelity issues, children, parents, and other issues that may be a part of treatment.

References

Appleby, G. A., & Anastas, J. W. (1998). Not just a passing phase: Social work with gay, lesbian and bisexual people. New York: Columbia University Press.
Bradford, J., Honnold, J. A., & Ryan, C. C. (1997). Disclosure of sexual orientation in survey research on women. Journal of the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association, 1(3), 169-177.

Carroll, N., Linde, R., Mayer, K., Lara, A. M., & Bradford, J. (1999). Developing a lesbian health research program: Fenway Community Health Center’s experience and evolution. Journal of the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association, 3(4), 145-152.

Descamps, M., Rothblum, E., Bradford, J., & Ryan, C. C. (2000). Mental health impact of child sexual abuse, rape, intimate partner violence and hate crimes in the National Lesbian Health Care Survey. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 11(1), 27-55.

Evans, N. J., & D'Augelli, A. R. (1995). Lesbians, gay men, and bisexual people in college. In R. C. Savin-Williams & K. M. Cohen (Eds.), The lives of lesbians, gays, and bisexuals (pp. 201-226). New York: Harcourt Brace.

Hershberger, S. L., & D'Augelli, A. R. (1995). The impact of victimization on the mental health and suicidality of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth. Developmental Psychology, 31, 65-74.

Quam, J. K. (2001). Building a virtual community for older lesbians. Outword, 7(4), 3-7.

Ryan, C. C., Bradford, J., Honnold, J. A. (1999). Social workers‘ and counselors’ understanding of lesbians’ needs. The Journal of Gay and Lesbian Social Services, 9(4), 1-26.

Swann, S. K., & Anastas, J. W. (2003). Dimensions of lesbian identity during adolescence and young adulthood. Journal of Gay & Lesbian Social Services, 15(1/2), 109-125.

10 Habits of Happy Couples

2011-07-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

What are the habits that every happy couple practice? Through hard work, commitment, and these 10 relationship tips, you and your partner can weather both good times and bad. How do couples stay in love, in good times and in bad? Fortunately, the answer isn’t through luck or chance. As a result of hard work and commitment, many couples figure out the importance of the following relationship habits. Because few couples know about all of the musts, I think of them as the relationship habits that need to be practiced like any other skill.

Happy Couples and Their Habits

Develop a realistic view of committed relationships. Recognize that the crazy infatuation you experienced when your romance was new won’t last. A deeper, richer relationship, and one that should still include romance, will replace it. A long-term relationship has ups and downs, and expecting it will be all sunny and roses all the time is unrealistic.

Work on the relationship. An untended garden develops weeds that can ultimately kill even the heartiest plants. And so it is with relationships. It is important to address problems and misunderstandings immediately. Some people believe good relationships just happen naturally. The truth is that a good relationship, like anything you want to succeed in life, must be worked on and tended to on a regular basis. Neglect the relationship, and it will often go downhill.

Spend time together. There is no substitute for shared quality time. When you make a point of being together, without kids, pets and other interruptions, you will form a bond that will get you through life’s rough spots. Time spent together should be doing a shared activity, not just watching television.

Make room for “separateness.” Perhaps going against conventional wisdom, spending time apart is also an important component of a happy relationship. It is healthy to have some separate interests and activities and to come back to the relationship refreshed and ready to share your experiences. Missing your partner helps remind you how important he or she is to you.

Make the most of your differences. Stop and think: What most attracted you to your partner at the beginning? I’ll almost guarantee that it was exactly the thing that drives you most insane today. Take a fresh look at these differences. Try to focus on their positive aspects and find an appreciation for those exact things that make the two of you different from one another. It’s likely that your differences balance one another out and make you a great team.

Don’t expect your partner to change; but at the same time give them more of what they want. If both you and your partner stop trying to change each other, you will eliminate the source of most of your arguments. At the same time, each of you should focus on giving one another more of what you know the other person wants, even if it doesn’t come naturally. For instance, instead of complaining how your partner never cleans out the dishwasher, try just doing it yourself once in awhile without complaint. Your partner will likely notice your effort and make more of an effort themselves around the house. If you do both of these things at once you’ve got a winning plan!

Accept that some problems can’t be solved. There may be issues upon which you cannot agree. Rather than expending wasted energy, agree to disagree, and attempt to compromise or to work around the issue. Two people cannot spend years together without having legitimate areas of disagreement. The test of a happy relationship is how they choose to work through such issues — through compromise, change, or finding it’s just not that important to stew over.

Communicate! Lack of communication is the number one reason even good relationships fail. And here is a useful format for doing so, especially when dealing with incendiary topics: Listen to your partner’s position, without interrupting him or her. Just listen. When he or she is finished, summarize what you heard him or her say. If you can, empathize with your significant other even though you don’t agree. This will take your partner off of the defensive, and make it easier for them to hear your thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to argue when you use this format, and best of all, you may come up with an understanding or a solution.

Honesty is essential. You may share with your partner the things he or she doesn’t want to hear. Better this than to have him or her doubt your honesty. Mistrust is one of the key deal breakers in relationships. And once trust is lost or broken, it can take a very long time to re-establish it in the relationship.The happiest couples are the ones where honesty is as natural and every day as breathing.

Respect your partner, and don’t take him or her for granted. Treating your sweetheart with respect is likely to get you the same in return. And regularly reminding them how much they mean to you will enrich your relationship in indescribable ways. When you say, “I love you,” pause for a moment to really mean it. And don’t be afraid to express your feelings of appreciation with your partner — he or she will be thankful that you did.

Making these habits an integral part of your relationship won’t be easy. In fact, your efforts may initially seem like planted seeds that never come up. If you maintain your efforts, however, you will likely reap what you sow.

References

Chancey, L., & Dumais, S. A. (2009). Voluntary childlessness in marriage and family textbooks, 1950-2000. Journal of Family History, 34(2), 206-223.
Lee, K. S., & Ono, H. (2008). Specialization and happiness in marriage: a U.S.- Japan comparison. Social Science Research, 37(4), 1216-1234.

Lund, D. A., Utz, R., Caserta, M. S., & De Vries, B. (2008-2009). Humor, laughter, and happiness in the daily lives of recently bereaved spouses. Omega (Westport), 58(2), 87-105.

Monin, J. K., Martire, L. M., Schulz, R., & Clark, M. S. (2009). Willingness to express emotions to caregiving spouses. Emotion, 9(1), 101-106.

How ADHD Can Strain Relationships

2011-07-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

Having adult attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or attention deficit disorder (ADD) has a definite impact on a romantic relationship. While adult attention disorders affects every relationship differently, it's not surprising that it's often the cause of friction and anger.
If the partner with attention disorders continually forgets to pick the kids up from school or can't decide what to make for dinner, that lack of focus can sometimes create feelings of hostility. The effects of this can strain the relationship, but having a positive attitude can help.
In fact, research has shown that learning to appreciate all aspects of a partner with ADHD or ADD and to deal with negative factors of attention disorders effectively can be key.

Adults with ADHD tend to be very dynamic, creative, and full of energy and there's rarely a dull moment, which helps keep a relationship fresh, fun, and interesting. The partner of an adult with ADHD is unlikely to get bored, and there's probably always something new to talk about. Additionally, adults with ADHD are often quite charismatic.

The downside of that energy and charisma is that people with attention disorders can also be very distractible, and partners may find it hard to cope with that trait. When these problems are ongoing, common scenarios can exasperate the partners of attention disorders adults, who may label their spouses as lazy, careless, or disrespectful. The partner with attention disorders is often just as frustrated with his or her own behavior; many wish they could start and finish simple tasks like "normal" people.

Researchers recommend that men and women with attention disorders and their partners educate themselves about the disorder. Finding out as much as you both can about adult ADHD helps prevent a great deal of that frustration. For the partner with attention disorders, education can eliminate the guilt they feel about having a different view of the world. It may fall on the partner who has ADHD to make sure his or her spouse understands the syndrome.

If you are the one with ADHD, it can also help to identify your attention disorders behaviors to your spouse and openly discussing how they help and harm the relationship. because you don't care enough to do them," she explains.

Finally, the most important key to a harmonious relationship that includes ADHD may be having the courage to ask for help and appreciating that help when it comes. Unfortunately, many adults with attention disorders find it difficult to ask for assistance, as they often think they need to be invincible. Additionally, the most supportive act of all may be helping a partner with attention disorders stick with a treatment plan, including ongoing psychotherapy.

References

American Psychiatric Association (2000), Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. (4th Ed.). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.

Eakin, L., Minde, K., Hechtman, L., Ochs, E., Krane, E., Bouffard, R., Greenfield, B., & Looper, K. (2004). The marital and family functioning of adults with ADHD and their spouses. Journal of Attention Disorders, 8(1), 1-10.
Robbins, C. A. (2005). ADHD couple and family relationships: enhancing communication and understanding through Imago Relationship Therapy. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 61(5), 565-577.